Trial and Error
by babybatkzk
Summary: I wish this twisted thing we had between us could stop. A couple of passionate kisses later, and I’m still here alone. I mean, I have Spiederman. I should be happy but instead... a Jommy.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: I became addicted to IS fan fiction waiting for the fourth season to start. Now that I've been reading a while, I've decided to give it a shot. So here goes my first chapter. Jude's actions inspired by my life. The end of the second season and on. How Juderman/Jade becomes Jommy all the way. (Send any plot suggestions my way. I might run out of my own.)

**Trial and Error**

'Sorry Tommy!' I yell after my favorite producer, ' I've got plans tonight. Don't wait up.' I reluctantly give up my rights to a late night phone call yet again. I do have a boyfriend after all. He must feel neglected.

'Who says I was going to wait up?'

I can tell that Tommy is slightly offended, but he loves me anyway. I twirl around and run off towards my date.

I wish this twisted thing we had between us could stop. A couple of passionate kisses later, and I'm still here alone. I mean, I have Speiderman. I should be happy…but instead I can't shake this loneliness. I'm only a teenager, how can I figure out what I really want in life? I already have the job of my dreams, which I think is way ahead of all the other high schoolers out there. When I think of my future, all I can see is my albums. Do rock stars have great romances too? I don't think I can settle down. My parents certainly proved to me that getting married young is not the way to go.

_I'm too young to know what I want_ I thought to myself as I stepped onto the tour bus. Speid was waiting for me, and boy was the bus pretty. The sexy lighting made me nervous. Speid looked at me, and I could tell what he wanted. It wasn't the same way that Tommy looked at me, but I could still read him like a book, and that was good enough for now.

'So, I thought we were going to prepare the bus for Mason…'

'We are…but we can do that later…Come on Jude, we were never a thing on tour. Let's have some fun for old time's sake.'

'Spied, I…why now? This is so rushed, I'm reeling from the latest demands of Darius and the whole studio is on my case and I am going to miss Mason so much this summer that I really ought to give him a proper send off…' I was babbling. What I do best. Speid knew this. He had to kiss me to shut me up. So he did.

It was a good kiss, it really was. So why did he stop thirty seconds later? I was as confused as ever.

'Jude, is everything all right?' I shrug. He needs space to say what he needs to say, so I let him. 'Tell me honestly. I know something is off. And I know that all those reasons before were all bull. I think I know what it is. I just never wanted to believe it.'

I shut him up by kissing him again, with more passion. I figured this was the only way to get him to stop. I don't want to have this conversation right now. I need to believe that everything is perfect. I need an uncomplicated boyfriend. Someone to laugh with, someone who calls me on my crap, someone who jams so well. Someone exactly like the goofy grin that is usually staring back at me. Kissing him is the only thing I know how to do well.

'Jude, stop! I know you. You're only trying to be what I want you to be, and you're wrong. I don't need you to be the best kisser in the universe. You're already the girl that fills my dreams. I need you to feel it too. Until you do, until you really do…we should stop.'

'But…I don't get it. First, you want to fool around and now you don't. Am I enough for you Vincent?'

'Admit it. You would rather be somewhere else.'

No, don't say it. I pleaded him with my eyes.

'You're always jumping at Tommy's calls. You fell asleep on him in the Chrome Cat. You always look at him a little too long. Don't think I haven't noticed. I have feelings too. And I can't believe I'm doing this, but my feelings are telling me to walk out right now.'

I'm so furious at this point that I'm speechless. The anger on my face shows, but Speiderman doesn't stop. He walks out and I'm left trying to understand what he wants me to do. I can't do this. I don't need this. Drama. Damn boys and their drama. I need to go home. I need to call…wait no, I can't. I need to be alone. He's right, I don't deserve such a sweet guy. Obviously, I like it when things are fucked up. At times like these, all I want is a kitty to cuddle, chocolate and my pillow. I start to run. The emotions within me are so confusing that the adrenaline rush is the only cure. I run to clear my head.

Panting for breath, I enter my home and see Sadie, looking at me quizzically.

'So, you had a really hot date tonight huh? Who knew that Speid had that in him…' she teases me, and I look at her really annoyed.

'Not now. Just don't. I can't deal with this right now.' I start to tear up and disappear up the stairs. Sadie waits a few minutes and decides to bring a peace offering. I hear the knocking and groan audibly.

'Jude, open up. I know you're a musician and you need to wallow to feel inspired…but I wouldn't be a good big sister if I didn't offer to listen.'

'There, you just offered. Happy now? Go away.'

'Jude please. I haven't seen you run home since your sixteenth birthday. Give me a little credit.'

At the words sixteenth birthday she managed to break down my defenses. I couldn't even think straight. I opened the door and sat on my bed, still miserable.

'Now wipe off the raccoon eyes and start from the beginning. Take a deep breath.' Sadie hands over a tissue.

'I'm so frustrated I don't know what I want Speid always wants something from me now he's upset and I can't fix it and all Tommy wants is to record this stupid song I wrote on tour called White Lines and Darius hates Speids song and I don't know what I'm doing in my own life… I have no control anymore Sadie and it scares me.' I manage to burst it all out before I can stop myself.

'Wow. Well I can see why you feel so frustrated. But sweetie it's normal to feel this way. Trust me. I still don't know what I want.'

'Thanks, but what am I supposed to do here? Anything I try I end up screwing someone over and hurting them even worse.'

'You can start by telling me what you would say to them all if you could. Then you can write it all down and go say it. Here, practice standing up for yourself. I've seen you do it to Shay, why are Speid and Darius and Liam and Tom…wait I know Tommy is different…let's just start with the easy parts. So I'm Darius and Liam and you say…, '

'I don't give a fuck if you hate Anyone but you, it's going on my album.'

'That's a good start…but somehow I don't think the abrasive approach is going to produce the results you want'

'Speid's song is perfect. Give me a chance to rerecord it and have it sound more like a ballad. I know I could fix it. I just need one more night. Please.'

'There, one down. So now, what about Spiederman?'

'It's not so simple Sadie. I really like him. I can't stand hurting him. Why can't I just be the best girlfriend and forget about everything else?'

She knew I meant everyone else, but she was kind enough to not say it.

After opening and closing her mouth a few times she hands me my trusty guitar. 'Here, I think this will help you find your answer. Good luck. Call if you need anything.'

I sit down and strum, waiting for the sad melody in my mind to take shape. Everything comes to me in flashes. The screaming fans. The looks. The kisses. My boys. My parents. The studio.

After a few hours, I give up and start to change into my pajamas. I glance over at my phone. 2 am. Probably too late to call him. I stare at his number and lay my head on my pillow.

Somewhere in the distance Tommy is staring at his phone wondering. So is Speiderman. So is Jamie. But luckily, Jude is already asleep and worry free.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Thanks for the positive responses! I have enough material for a few more chapters right now. However, I don't want to write things I haven't experienced myself, so that cuts out the typical rape, kidnapping, miscarriage story lines. Also, I don't intend for the story to be a mirror image of what we all know actually happened.

Chapter Two: The next day

It's ten am and I'm in the studio where I belong, but I can't keep my eyes open. Tommy takes pity and sends me out to grab a coffee. Five minutes later I'm in the recording booth all jazzed on the caffeine and attempting to sing White Lines. I'm halfway through the first verse when Tommy interrupts.

'Harrison, if you can't do the song right, we might as well rerecord Anyone but you...'

'Are you going to say anything?'

I gather my thoughts longer than necessary because I don't know whether to jump at the opportunity to save Spied's song or admit why I'm not feeling this song. Tommy seems to read my mind.

'Look, I know you want to save the surfer dude's heart, but this song…it has history, passion…'

At that, I get up and leave the studio in search of Sadie.

'Shouldn't you be in there pouring your heart out?'

'I can't…'

'Go in there and tell him the truth.' I am dragged back against my will and pout. So much for being mature.

I see Sadie give Tommy a look that I can't quite read. She leaves without a word and I'm back to where I started. I can't run forever. I gather up what's left of my dignity.

'This song… it doesn't feel right. Who am I kidding? I'm seventeen and I've never been in love, but I've also never been alone… I feel like I'm faking this.'

'Oh. I thought this song was about Jamie.'

'No.'

'Shay?'

'As if I ever spent the night in that jerk's arms.'

'Spiederman?'

The silence is deafening.

'Don't worry Big Eyes. You'll find your great love some day. I know it. A girl like you?'

Our eyes met, and I thought he might continue on, but Darius stomped into the studio.

'T- my office, now. Jude- take the rest of the day off. You look like you need it. Remember your concert is tonight.'

Great, I thought. Now I need to find my spark. It's pathetic really, so many boyfriends and not one I love you. Well, not one I really meant. Maybe Spied will say something sweet and inspire a new song. I haven't had a song about him since the tour.

--

A little while later, at the rehearsal space.

I'm practicing for the concert like a good little musician… I dreamed we were riding on a star…blah blah ……Spiederman interrupts my thoughts.

'Dude, is this song about Quincy?'

'What!? No.' Even as I deny it I feel sick.

'Sure seems like it.'

'Can we just get back to the song? Maybe we can try Anyone but you?'

'No.'

At this, the SME boys recognize that they are no longer welcome. I'm utterly alone with my boyfriend.

'We need to talk.'

And with those four words, my head is spinning. I knew it was coming.

'You never seem to be all here. You only kiss me when I start talking about my feelings for you. Admit it Jude, this isn't right.'

'I have fun with you!'

'That's not enough for me darlin'. You know I have fun with Jamie and SME, too. Maybe we should just be friends.'

'We never were Romeo and Juliet…' Even so, I'm sad to let this go. He really was a good kisser.

'More like Bart and Lisa Simpson.' We hug for what seems like forever. It breaks my heart to see him so resolved.

'I guess I will see you at the concert later. Bye.'

I quietly leave the room and head home. Once I get home, the emotions finally catch up with me and I don't want to leave the house for the concert. Jamie looks through my window and before I know it, he's there, knocking at my door.

'I take it you and Spied had a fight.'

'He told me that we should just be friends.'

'Ouch.'

'Yeah.'

'Now what?'

'I don't know. My life sucks right now. How am I supposed to go there and sing like everything is fine?' I feel tears coming, unwillingly.

'Jude, I have faith in you. You're a professional. You will totally rock tonight. I remember you singing into your hairbrush when you were sad that your dog died. This time, you have a cool outfit and a back up band, but I'll still be there, in the audience smiling up at you.'

He hugs me and we sit there on my bed for a while not speaking. Somehow, he always knew what I needed to hear. I finally get up because I need to change into my rock star outfit and Jamie leaves as soon as I open my closet.

--

Later that night, I wait nervously back stage and try not to look at SME. I feel hands covering my eyes and a familiar husky voice saying 'Guess who.'

Tommy scowls as I turn around saying, 'I bet he has on shiny pants and a white bandana.'

'Is there a reason that Spiederman is glaring at me right now?'

'He broke up with me.'

'Oh girl.' He hugs me. Third time today I get a hug, and it's from a different guy. I guess I really am a player.

'How about I take you out to dinner after the concert? I know your favorite pasta will cheer you up.'

I think to myself-More like Tommy time will cheer me up. But I don't say anything.

At the sight of my grin, Tommy touches my cheek and says 'Don't you worry. Someday it will all be perfect.'

I'm on top of the world once again. Then Tommy has to go and ruin it. After dinner, we are sitting in his viper. He tells me that he has to leave to take care of some family problems for Darius. I don't like the prospect of a Tommy free summer, but he promises to call me, and I really have no choice but to sigh and agree to call him too.

A few hours later, I'm lying in bed and I hear my phone.

'Hello? Tommy!'

'I'm at the airport. I just wanted to say that I'll miss you Harrison.'

'I know. I'll miss you too Quincy.'

'It's not really Quincy. It's Dutois.'

'Whatever, I'll miss you all the same. And don't hit on any stewardesses on your way.'

'Contrary to what you think, I don't hit on everything that moves.'

'Yea right, have a good flight Tommy.'

'Sweet dreams girl.'


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Since I actually liked the finale, it makes me wonder if I should change my original direction and add a flash forward thing… Anyway, I want to develop the Jamie storyline a bit first…

**Chapter 3**

I can't believe that it's been four weeks without Tommy and I am still functioning. I wish I could say the same about the rest of G Major. Patsy and Jamie are constantly fighting because of her drinking, and Sadie and Kwest are really awkward around each other all of a sudden. And Spiederman…he looks me in the eye again, so that's a good sign right?

At least I have some inspiration for new songs. I am busy working on the song I started before Spied and I broke up when Sadie enters the studio.

…A familiar voice…I hum to myself, oblivious to her presence.

'Can I interrupt this little pity party?'

'What…I am not moping. I am creating. This is going to be the best ballad ever.'

'Whatever. Jamie and Patsy are fighting and SME is getting on my nerves too, so I need a place to think for a minute.'

'Have a seat.'

'So…

Before Sadie starts one of her sincere conversations, we are interrupted by my cell phone ringing. It's Tommy, so I excuse myself and chat a few minutes before returning to the studio.

Sadie smirks and asks, 'How's the unrequited love working out for you?'

I glare at her before I change the subject. 'Love. Hah. Who needs the complication? I have a kick ass album to record.'

'Right, with one dark and mysterious producer.'

'Okay, moving on. I need a break, let's plan a party this weekend.'

* * *

Jamie comes over looking dejected. I only have to wonder for a few seconds before he bursts out with 'Patsy is out of control. I don't think I can help her anymore. I don't think I can be with her anymore.'

Spied overhears and puts his arm around Jamie's shoulder saying 'Jaimers, you need to lighten up. Let's go plot our next big prank. Squinty is gonna need a welcome home after all.'

After a few hours of jamming on my electric guitar in the living room, which is packed with friends, I decide to call it a night. Sadie is too busy talking to Kwest to notice my exit. Realization dawns on me. There is a reason Sadie was talking about unrequited love in the studio.

Upstairs in my bedroom I have a clear view into Jamie's house. Apparently, right after I left the living room Patsy showed up wasted. The commotion of their fighting is carrying on all the way up to his bedroom. I can't hear what happens, but Patsy screams 'Fine!' and storms out, while Jamie glances around to make sure no one could hear that.

Unfortunately, we make eye contact. I decide he needs a hug.

I go knock on his door. 'Care to explain that?'

'I told her it was me or the drugs and the booze, and she didn't choose me.'

'Oh Jamie. What can I do to help?'

'Nothing, I just need to feel miserable for a few days.'

'Okay, but you know the farm house is always a great escape…'

'I seem to recall that the last time we were there you and Sadie were fighting about Tommy…'

'That's all in the past.' I say hurriedly, not wanting to admit that I'm still bitter that he kissed her that day.

We sit in silence for a while and then make a pact to hang out the next day.

* * *

The fresh air and the green grass of the park are exactly what we needed. The farmhouse had too many memories to be a good escape, but this park is freeing. I sit under a tree and play a few chords on my acoustic guitar. Jamie listens.

'I've been working on a song for a while now, but I can't get it right.'

'Let me help.'

Jamie takes the pen and paper from my lap and I feel his hands graze my legs. We both blush simultaneously.

'So what's the problem with the song?'

'I can't figure out who I am singing to'

'Try singing to me for a while.'

'A familiar look, a familiar smile,' I hum. '… I can't finish these lyrics Jamie.'

'Describe the setting of the story first.'

'The earth is wild… and I can't sit still?'

'That's perfect. Keep going. What's on your mind?'

'Whether I am strong enough by myself, without a relationship.'

'So the song is about choices.'

'Choices! You're brilliant Jamie! Makes it so hard to make a choice!'

I grin up at him and notice that he has a funny look on his face.

'What is it?'

'When I was with Patsy, all I could think was that I don't know if I should stay.'

By the end of the afternoon, we had the perfect song.

I was strumming 'I don't know if I should stay' all the way home, and I like to think that it helped us both feel better.

'I had a great afternoon Jude. Just like the old days. You, me, and the music.'

'I had fun too. Don't be a stranger!' We hug and I rush inside eager to call Quincy and play for him.

* * *

A few weeks later, Jamie and I are going to see the latest documentary about rock and roll at the film festival.

As I'm excitedly listening to the explanation of how Kurt Cobain broke onto the music scene, Jamie awkwardly leans in and puts an arm around me. I'm surprised, but I don't move away. It's surprisingly comforting, and I never refuse a good cuddle. By the end of the movie, we are completely wrapped up in each other.

On the way home, we decide to go to the rehearsal space instead. Jaime has a surprise. I walk in, and the ceiling is covered in plastic glow in the dark stars.

I gasp, and Jamie smirks and says 'I thought the stars would remind you of the song we wrote together, so you would always be inspired to write more.'

'It's beautiful. Let's put on some music then.'

We end up waltzing around, being silly. But before I know it, we collapse on each other in a fit of giggles, and the mood changes. I stare up in his eyes and all I could think was how much I wanted to kiss him. So I did….

An hour later, we are lying in each other's arms partially clothed. I don't know what to say. The whole day was so surreal.

'I never saw this side of you before Jude.'

'I know.'

'I've wanted you for so long but…'

'Now that it happened….it doesn't feel right?'

'Exactly. It's like I woke up from a dream.'

'So what do we do now?' I am thoroughly confused at what he is trying to say.

'I don't know. I don't regret that it happened, but I don't think it should happen again.'

'So we go back to being friends then?'

'I think it's for the best.'

I'm not sure how I feel, but I gather up my clothes and leave Jamie sitting there, mulling over his thoughts.

That night, for the first time in weeks, I don't call Tommy to talk about my day. Nevertheless, I worry because I don't know how I will behave around Jamie or Tommy from now on.


	4. Chapter 4

_**AN:** I am running out of ideas, so there will probably be only one chapter and maybe an epilogue after this. Unless you have some suggestions for the plot? As always, please comment. If I get reviews I might be inspired to write a new story._

Chapter 4

Darius was nice enough to give me the next few days off, since I agreed to sing at the instant star finale. I sit at breakfast quietly consuming Sadie's delicious omelet. She senses that I'm being mopey again and starts yet another round of sisterly advice.

'You're awfully quiet this morning. Everything okay?'

'I'm fine Sades. Just need a while to get my head straight. How are things with Kwest?'

'Glad that you aren't oblivious anymore Jude. I don't know, I haven't flirted like that since Tommy. We'll see what happens.'

We sit some more until Sadie suggests I call up Jamie and head over to the carnival to see the psychic. I tell her that Jamie and I need our space for a while. Somehow, she doesn't even seem surprised.

'I know what it's like to be lonely Jude. You know after Quincy and I broke up all I wanted to do was go to frat parties and enjoy a few random hook ups to get my mind away from it all?'

'Are you suggesting I go out drinking to clear my head Sades?'

She shrugs. 'No, I wouldn't be a responsible sister if I did. I was just telling you what I would do. We all know you would rather go play videogames with Spiederman.'

'Spiederman is cool, but sometimes I need to be serious too.'

'Well then be serious about your music. I know you're dying to play a new song for Tommy.'

'Song sounds about right. Little Tommy Q? Not so much.'

I head back upstairs to begin strumming.

* * *

That evening I have a rough version of 'How strong do you think I am?' and I am satisfied.

I hadn't called Tommy in two days and I feel strangely liberated. Is it wrong? I hate myself sometimes for wanting to be his everything. It sucks to feel horribly angry with yourself and wonderful at the same time, over a guy. Is he even worth waiting for? If he felt the same, I wouldn't be sitting here waiting. I'm so sick of hoping that he means something more every time he flirts with me. He doesn't even realize that he does it half the time. I hate the power he has over me. It can't be healthy. This hold on my life. I need to get a grip. I wish I could be the woman he wants me to be, and then I hate myself for wanting to change for him... and I remember that he is a jerk, despite the ability to charm the pants off of me (well, not literally.)

I need to move past it. I wish I'd finally let myself try. He can make me melt and completely lose all sense of self just by the right look. And I really don't like giving someone that much power. I become someone else, someone I don't even like. I can't stand it. That's why I dated Shay, Jamie, and Spied. They were safe. I knew where I stood with them; I never had to guess. I never had to wish I were something better. I never wished I were good enough for them. I knew I was. I hate myself for wanting to be everything Tommy wants, because I know that even if I tried, it would never be enough.

Now Jamie and I are going to be awkward again. The one stable thing in my life, and we still can't quite move past the fact that he had feelings for me. What am I doing? If I didn't love the music industry, I'd become a hermit and never let the guys in my life get to me again. I suddenly understand why generations of artists flock to places like Los Angeles and London. They need to escape the bullshit in their lives to find themselves. One day that will be me. One day I'll be so famous I'll have homes in Toronto, the States, and Europe. Unfortunately, that day is far away, and I'm stuck here, performing for Darius at the Instant Star finale.

* * *

I'm watching as Karma is crowned the next instant star. It's strange to meet my replacement. I'm jealous of her sound, but I remember that I wrote the song with Shay, so she can have it. Instead, I debate which song to sing at my performance, taped the following evening. As long as I still have my third album to record, I have a focus. After the show I say a few encouraging words to Karma and in return I get the fakest smile I have ever witnessed. At least she's Darius' problem and not mine.

Just as get back home my cell phone rings, and I pick it up quickly. I regret it the minute I realize that it is Tommy on the other end. He doesn't even have to breathe and I know he's disappointed I haven't called. I decide to go sit outside because I might need the air if I start to get angry.

Sure enough, thirty seconds later, I hear myself yelling. ' I'm a big girl Tommy, I don't need you to check in on me all the time. I have my own life and I like it that way.'

He's taken aback by my sudden outburst over a simple 'why haven't you called?', but for once he keeps calm and simply growls into the phone 'Fine. I just thought you should know I was coming back to Toronto soon. But if you're having so much fun without me I won't interrupt.'

He hangs up. God, he doesn't even let me get angry with him properly. I'm so pissed I could scream. I see that Jamie is looking out the window, and in a flash, he's outside.

'Jude, I hope you aren't angry with me too.'

'You're my best friend. I'm sorry I keep toying with your emotions. I really don't mean to. Sometimes it just happens.'

'Jude, I get it. As long as you don't yell at me as you just did Quincy, I'm happy. Want to tell me what that was about?'

'Ugh. I'm so sick of him expecting that I will jump through hoops for him. He never does anything nice for me just because. It's always to apologize for being a jerk.'

'I hate to say it, but maybe he doesn't know how to make you happy.'

Right as I start to grumble in protest, he continues 'He doesn't know that you like vanilla fudge ice cream and flea markets and tarot readings. I know that because I've been there. Maybe you shouldn't expect him to know it either. I can't believe I'm defending him, but he has only known you in the studio, and not for that long. You can't get angry at a guy just 'cause he's only known you two years.'

I smile at Jamie as I realize that we are going to be okay. 'The fact that I feel better now has nothing to do with Tommy Q. Thanks for being a good friend. Have a good night.'

'You're welcome. Good night.' He waves and I look at him until he disappears into his house.

At that, I realize that the perfect song for the Instant Star showcase is 'I don't know if I should stay.'

* * *

The next night I am ready to sing my frustration away. I see Tommy appear out of the corner of my eye, but I decide to spend my time getting ready by looking in the mirror instead of engaging in another painful conversation. Soon I'm announced on stage and I sing 'I don't know if I should stay.' It describes my feelings perfectly at the moment, and I notice that Tommy is as taken aback by my new dress, as he is the mournful lyrics of the song. At least, that is my interpretation of the sad look he gives me as I continue to sing. When I finish I beam at Jamie in the audience. I can sense Quincy and his apology coming my way, but instead of entertaining his whims I brush past him and head into my dressing room. I have the most amazing dream of Tommy that night. Probably the universe trying to tell me something. I wake up grumpy. Even my subconscious is against me moving on.

As I head into the studio the next morning Darius tries to get me to talk to Karma, but I am so eager to record the first notes of 'How strong do you think I am' that I deflect the responsibility by introducing Karma to Spiederman. The grateful look that Spied gives me lets me know that I just made up for breaking his heart. Sickened slightly by the image of those two together, I head into Studio C to begin.

Walking past the first studio, I hear Tommy at the mike. He's just messing around. I know he does not intend to release an album ever since Darius put Frozen in the vault. I'm curious as to what he could have stuck in his head, so I stop outside and listen to him. By the end of the first verse, I recognize the song 'As lovers go' by Dashboard Confessional. I am intrigued, but I don't want to interrupt. I listen to his voice, sigh, and shake my head. He suddenly notices that I heard the song and looks…afraid. I smile in satisfaction that for once, Tom Quincy is scared of me. I try not to debate the meaning of the lyrics as I head to record my own song. I wonder what he is trying to convince himself, but I don't stick around for another apology or round of flirting. Sometimes I just have to be happy with what I have. A normal friendship with Jamie is enough for now.

* * *

**AN**: If the Jude inner rant was out of character I apologize. Substitute Tommy for another name and it's pretty much straight out of my journal.

Also if you don't know the lyrics to As lovers go:

She said, "I've got to be honest, you're wasting your time if you're fishin' around here." And I said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not foolin', this feelin' is real." She said, "You've gotta be crazy! What do you take me for? Some kinda of easy mark?"

"You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion, but I swear that you've got me all wrong." But you've got me.

I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier, I'll be yours my dear. And I'll belong to you if you just let me through.

This is easy as lovers go. So don't complicate it by hesitating. This is wonderful as loving goes. This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?

I said, "I've got to be honest, I've been waiting for you all of my life." For so long I thought I was asylum bound, but just seeing you makes me think twice. And being with you here makes me sane. I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side.

"You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion, but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?"


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: **Sorry for the wait. Writer's block. Can't say how much longer this will be...need ideas. Leave some suggestions please.

**Chapter 5**

Fast forward a few months. Tommy gets over himself and dates Jude until her birthday. The whole mess with Hunter just happened….

Jamie is always my knight in shining armor, I thought, as I see him coming up the sidewalk to take me home. I doubt I can return to the rehearsal space for a while.

'Jamie? Would you get my guitar from the rehearsal space and tell SME that practices are moved to my garage?'

'Of course. Bad vibes. Now stop worrying and let me take you home for dinner.'

The rest of the evening is a blur, and I fall asleep wishing that Tommy's past didn't hurt me so much.

Little did I know the next morning would be worse.

I'm woken from a restless night's sleep by my cell phone. Darius' people. He's on his way over. Crap.

I sprint into some presentable clothing, brush my teeth, and run a comb through my hair. Times like this I wish I could just shave my head.

As soon as I get down the stairs, the doorbell rings and I let Darius into my living room.

'Jude, if you want time off it's not happening. Have you seen the papers this morning?'

I cringe imagining the headlines. Darius pulls out the tabloids and they are even worse. 'Crazed stalker attempts double murder of ex-boybander and his protégé' along with that horrible picture of Tommy with his arm around me as we played guitar by the water.

I wonder if any publicity is good publicity. Before I can ask, D announces that I will be going on a brief winter tour of North America, promoting my next album.

'As long as I don't have to sing carols,' I reply.

'It's a club tour. Do one remix with Karma. Those are your conditions.'

'Tell me she isn't coming on the tour bus?' I practically whine.

'No, Spiederman Mind Explosion and you. Karma on tape. And….Tommy as your opening act.'

My mouth drops and my eyes narrow. 'What!?'

'Due to the publicity, I've decided that T should restart his solo career. And you're a pair. What better way to spin it?'

'I take it back. I'd rather go on tour with Karma. Or Shay. Or Eden…' I grasp at names hoping that one will stick and cause D's eyes to light up. No such luck.

'Tommy has already consented to debut 'Love to Burn' and cover some of SME. Since tours during winter break are not in your contract I am willing to pay you extra.'

An image of my own studio equipment flashes before my eyes.

He chuckles. I am sold. As much as I need space from Tommy, I need to take care of my musical future.

'You leave tonight for Buffalo, which is your first stop. Then you cross the States and Canada for a month, before a final show in Vancouver, and a plane flight home for the rest of the holidays. You and SME to Toronto, Tommy to New Brunswick.'

'New Brunswick?' I wonder what else Darius knows about Tommy, but at this point, I'd rather keep my distance from his past.

'Tommy can tell you all about that on the drive over. You'll get a bigger bus of course.'

And with that, Darius is out the door, and Sadie comes downstairs.

'You and Tommy Q on a tour bus? Did I hear that right? How's Jamie going to feel about that?'

'Jamie? We agreed to do the platonic thing.'

'Right. Don't be surprised when his jealousy makes him renounce that plan and form a new one. One where you live happily ever after and make music together forever.'

Sadie has this annoying way of seeing the future sometimes. I pray that she's wrong this time as I head back to my room to start packing.

* * *

A few days later.

I'm sitting on the side of a dirt road kicking some pebbles. This is not how I imagined my afternoon off. I curse at myself for deciding to go into town. Tommy offered to drive me on his bike because we both needed to go to the pharmacy. I forgot that I needed aspirin to survive the tour bus... I don't know what Tommy was picking up. Probably hair products. The SME boys were off doing something in the woods. I didn't want to ask because they might explain why they had tapes of badgers mating. The tour bus driver also had the afternoon off. On the way back to the bus, Tommy's bike broke down. So now, we were waiting a few hours until the driver could pick us up.

Jamie calls. At least if I am stuck here without my guitar I can talk to him.

'Hey Jude! How's the day off?'

'Just great. I'm in the middle of nowhere waiting for my tour bus driver to come back from his break so he can pick me up…and I'm stuck with Tommy too.' I whisper the last bit, but I think Tommy can see my scowl.

'That sucks. I was going to suggest you strip off some clothing and try to get a passing car to give you a lift. But no one is going to think you're cute if you are accompanied by Squinty.'

'Since when do you call him names? Were you talking to Spied?'

'Yeah, thought it was funny. Anyway, I wish I could be at your next show. I would even hide in your dressing room.'

'Are you trying to flirt with me little Jamie Andrews?'

At that, Jamie stammers and denies that he meant anything by it, while Tommy looks over at me quizzically. Part of me wanted to piss off Tommy just a little.

'I'm just messing with you. How's life at G major?' ….

We continue to chat for a bit before Jamie has to run some errands with Paegan.

I sigh and put away the phone. Tommy glances over for a second before staring down at the grass. I sit in silence while I watch him fidget with the grass. I wish I could stop wondering what goes on in his head, but no one can find the grass that enthralling. I stand to stretch my legs and kick around some pebbles.

He looks up sheepishly and clears his throat. 'I'm sorry I didn't check my bike before we left.'

I can't be angry with him for long, because when he looks at me I can see how pathetic he feels. I smirk and reassure him with a quick mumble 'it's okay.'

He seems to gain confidence that I am speaking to him. 'So…are you looking forward to the next show?'

'I guess. I'm still trying to finish my latest song. It's called 'Where does it hurt.' … It's about Jamie.' I quickly clarify, hoping to avoid leading him on in any way.

'When we get back, I can lend you my ear.' He seems surprisingly hopeful for someone I broke up with for kissing my sister while drunk, after breaking my heart on the dance floor.

'Sure.' I have no reason to avoid him on the tour bus. It's too small to pick fights in, and it's not soundproof like the studio.

'After the tour I might not come back to G Major,' he suddenly declares.

The impact of his statement sneaks up on me. I feel like I've been sucker punched in the stomach.

'Is that why you are on tour then? To hang out with me for the last time?'

'You could say that…. I need to start living my life, Jude. I'm done living for Darius. Hunter is locked up. I can't mourn what happened with Angie forever. I need to do my own thing for once. I need a break from the industry for a while... it's not as if I have anything going for me here.'

I choose to ignore the last part of that sentence. I can't convince Tommy to stay when leaving is what he does best. I wasn't even sure I wanted him to stay. 'Wow, Tommy. I always assumed that the industry was your whole life.'

'Then there are things you don't know about me Harrison.'

'Like?' I silently hope he says something not dramatic for once. I don't know how many dark secrets I could take.

'I want to go travel. But then I want a home, wife, dog, and 2.5 kids…the whole thing.'

'Didn't know you were a family man Tommy Q.'

'I told you before its Dutois,' he growls abruptly. He's angry at the mention of family and I am afraid to ask, so I try to lighten the mood.

'I know, but it's hard to tease a man with a name like Thomas Dutois. 'Least with Tommy Q I can bring up your shiny pants.'

'I'm trying to move past that image girl. Why do you think I'm singing Love to Burn? It shows that I've grown...' He fumbles before continuing 'as an artist.'

All I could think was that he called me girl. Snap out of it Harrison, I reprimand myself.

I'm saved from continuing this sincerely when my cell phone rings. The tour bus is on its way to get us, and we wait in a comfortable silence.

* * *

AN: I'm thinking of fast forwarding to when they get back at the end of the holidays...basically pick up at the 3rd finale... so if you want more about their tour, let me know and I'll try to put in some more jommy angst.


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